Pretty Little Chaos Fish
If I’m being completely transparent, my creative spirit has been through the filthy wringer this year. What used to work, is no longer functional. What I thought was my gift, I’m not not really sure what that is anymore. The enjoyment I used to get from certain ways of expressing myself have started to feel dull and old news. So far, this year has been a year of questioning and reevaluating every single one of my artistic instincts, and a deep asking of whether I actually LIKE to do the art that I do.
Swimming in the deep seas of uncertainty is not my preferred domain. While I don’t like to think of myself as a controlling person…perhaps I strive towards always having an idea for what to do next. Something to aim for. Some sort of stepping stone to the next leg of my creative journey (also known as just my life). I think that instinct comes with having run a business for some years and always trying to plan. There’s a hovering pressure to strategize and commodify, even when I don’t mean to, or even need to. Do I ever push ahead through my uncertainty before I’m really ready? Yes. I’m an Aries Moon. Sometimes that’s exactly what I need to do in order to survive. Sometimes having the next warm stone ready to pounce on is just the leap I’m looking for, even if it only lasts momentarily.
Right now I don’t really have that next stepping stone ready to catch me. Instead I am deep diving into creative chaos with a dimly lit headlamp and let me tell you…. There are lots of weird and interesting critters down here!
Sometimes the creative process is simply about feeling your way around, and taking a moment to look at all the bizarre creatures that have been hanging around waiting for you to notice them. Like, how long has that thing been down here swimming around and how have I never seen it before??
What’s causing this new era of reorienting for me is a converging of several big forces: Motherhood, the Great Pause brought on by the pandemic, waning business revenue, motherhood again, aging, and a bright new obsession with playing music (something I’ve always wanted to do but never allowed myself to experience until now). I am also finally remembering the difference between creativity funneled into the form of business, and my artistry. The need for space in between those things has been needed for years and I think I am finally listening to that call. Not every fish needs to be caught and sent to market.
All of these swirling forces have been blowing the socks off of my perspective lately, and what I thought I wanted has been changing shape over and over. I may not have a clear plan right now (or ever again for that matter). But I think perhaps I have always been swimming in the seas of total creative chaos and just never wanted to notice that before. Instead of “quiet quitting”, perhaps there’s also “creative letting go”.
Where are you in your creative process right now? Are you feeling direct and focused, or are you diving in and out of the chaos right now too? I would love to hear about it.
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